Mrbenn’s Brain @ Work

American Courts May 18, 2008

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid! ________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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– And the best for last: —

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Belfast in 2016 May 2, 2008

BELFAST BIDS FOR 2016 SUMMER OLYMPICS

Opening Ceremony – The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol
bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional costume of
shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration
of the games in an Ulsterbus hijacked & situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events -

In previous Olympic games, Northern Ireland ‘s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of
local athletes:
100 Meters Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of a pistol, fired from the crowd, a family pet – large pit bull will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 Meters Hurdle – As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car-bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)
4 x 400m relay – Baton to be replaced by a petrol bomb, competitors will be encouraged to greater efforts by the PSNI firing plastic bullets. Another world record expected.
Hammer – Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Shot-Putt – slight change instead of a Shot a Blast bomb will be used and the distance will be calculated from the near rim of the crater
Fencing – Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting – A strong challenge is expected from the local men (South Armagh, especially) in this event. The first target will be a moving police car, the next a post office van and then a Securicor wages vehicle.
Boxing – Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Smithwicks while the wife will be told not to make him a fry when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials – Competitors will break into the University bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit – As above but the bike will belong to a visiting member of a county hurling team who will witness the theft.
Weightlifting – slight change this will now be an endurance event,competitors must now load a lorry with bags of money at night from a local bank, the competitor with the most money in a lorry will win.
Modern Pentathlon – Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.
Pole Vaulting – venue to be the new sports arena formerly HMP The Maze, competitors will have to clear the outer wall.
The Marathon – A safe route has yet to be decided, current thinking is to include the Ardoyne shop fronts but competitors will be issued with Orange Safety Sashes, as the event will take place on the public road. A
world record is expected.
Swimming – Competitors will be thrown off the M3 into the Lagan. The first three survivors back to Titanic docks will decide the medals.
Men’s 50km Walk - Unfortunately this event will have to take place in the country, Lurgan to Portadown via the Garvaghey road. Parades commission to rule as this may clash with another two marches. 2016 being the Centenary of the Somme Battle & the Easter Rising, Local community leaders to be asked to meet organisers for a friendly exchange of views, (PSNI Riot Squad to attend, unless they can find a cat in a tree to rescue
Closing Ceremony – Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Belfast Gay Pride & the Free Presbyterian Choir, joined by the Local Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Crumlin Boys Flute Band & St Malachy’s Ancient Hibernian Band.

The Olympic flame – will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local travelling community can break into it set up camp, remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Transport may be a problem as some buses may be borrowed & set on fire.
Competitors are reminded that any unattended parked vehicles may end up in the suburbs as a burnt out shell, or in another city depending on where the driver wanted to go.